330 days since the last time I cut. I don’t have anything to say right now. I just thought that was cool. Razorblade by Blue October came on my iPod and it made me think about it.
Ενδιοζ
in the open air
Because we are God’s creation whereas sin, is Satan’s. Our God is bigger and better. Our God is our father and loves us as such.
Whether it be great miracles of deliverance or small manifestations of mercy and kindness, we must be diligent to recall and retell the wondrous things God has done for us.
This is the reason why I do what I do! Thank you, God!! I do feel blessed! So very, very blessed!
God give me your wisdom and your words. I’m yours. Use me how you want to.
I just want to say that you don’t have to worry about offending me or anything by asking me a personal question. You don’t have to worry about it being too much information for me to give if you are seeking an answer to something I may have gone through.
My experiences are meant to help others. That is what God intends. Even if you are an atheist, the point of being human is to eat, survive and reproduce and sharing wisdom falls into the category of reproduction because you are helping others to thrive.
My point being: I am an open book. Ask me anything. I won’t get upset. I won’t be offended. I want to help you. So don’t be afraid.
It’s crazy how much of a non issue cutting is for me right now! Total healing. It is starting to feel like it was not as much of an addiction as I thought because I don’t understand why I ever turned to it in the first place. Thank you, God, for truly breaking this burden on me!!
(Source: forthosewithbrokenhearts, via everlastingjesus)
At 293 days without cutting, I have come to a new understanding. While I still miss it and it is still very much an idol in my life, it is one I find easier to resist.
The past few months when I would think about cutting I would try to find ways to justify it in my mind. By telling myself that it wasn’t a big deal or I could have it under control, that made it more of a struggle. It was difficult but I have been able to keep from giving in.
Now when I think about it, however, I have a more relaxed approach. Now when it comes into my head I find myself saying, “Nah. It’s not worth it. That’s in the past. I should leave it there.”
It isn’t as big of an itch as it was. I know there will be times when it will be more difficult to resist, but right now, I’m cool.
Breaking shame in people is the point of salvation. My goal in that should be to show the beauty of God as well as beauty in the world that surrounds us. I understand that at times it is nearly impossible to see. I know the vantage point from that pit and once believed that all those who said otherwise, that life can be full of joy, were romantics. Not that they were lying, but that they just couldn’t see the whole picture. When really it was me who couldn’t see the whole picture.
I see it now.
Even though there are things that I don’t know much about. Struggles I don’t understand fully. I can see the world for what it is. I see pain, darkness, anger, addiction and sin. I see cruelty and abuse. I see struggle. But I also see love. I see beauty and creation. I see triumph and goodness. I see freedom and redemption. I see joy. I see God.
One day, in the middle of my doubts and darkness. I told God that if He was real. Truly, truly there. If He cared anything about me and could even hear me, then to show me the Gospel in the world around me. To show me an example of loving kindness. He did.
I can’t explain how. But after that prayer I could see people helping each other and loving each other. I felt tremendous patience and an unexplained feeling of undeserved love and compassion from no where at all. It was from inside me. It was in my own heart. I now know that is was the feeling of God taking my hand in His so that He could show me Himself in this world.
He really is here. Just ask Him to show you where and He will. I promise you, He will!
I have been quite nervous about this post.
Not nervous because of the content, because really, I have not known what I want to say. Nervous because this is the first post that I will allow (purposefully) to send to Twitter and Facebook by extension. This is the post that will allow my friends and family to have access to this blog. I am ready for it to all be out there, though. I am ready to make that step.
;
A semi-colon is where a sentence should have ended, but didn’t. I am alive right now, though I fully intended to be dead.
I chose to not end my life. I am not going to delete my last post or any of my posts regarding suicide. They are very much a part of my life and I will not change it. I am not Winston Smith and this is not 1984, I cannot and will not change the past.
God has worked in me so much in the last year, I can hardly contemplate it. I find it difficult now, thinking back to that place where I was when I started this blog. It feels like that was an entirely different person. Because it was. That person and who I am now are worlds apart. I don’t want to die anymore. I don’t want to be in pain anymore either but I can be in that place without ending my life. I can see that now. God is joy and love and completion. Believing in His power and having faith in His grace brings about a byproduct of happiness. Because in Him we are who we were designed to be. Whole. Unbroken. Unburdened. Cherished. Following God does not make life easy. You can’t choose to believe if you just want to be happy. You can be, eventually, but sometimes that isn’t until people get to heaven. But it is worth it! God heals! He redeems! Life gets a bit more difficult, in fact, because you become bombarded with spiritual warfare and unlike in the past, you can’t use things like alcohol, weed or cutting to cope. Those things don’t fix your problems. Only God can. This year, He has proven that to me.
Once upon a time, there was this girl. She was not very good with her words and often had difficulties expressing herself. She was unable to share how sad and lonely she was because of this. God found that girl with little difficulty because He knew where she was all along. He lifted her up. Healed her broken heart. Surrounded her with His people and most importantly, He broke her curse of shame. He gave her the words to say and the ability to speak them. It may sound wrong or horrible that God waited to pull her from that pit. But that is not the case. If God had healed her sooner, her words would not be as sincere. God offered her healing many times before that but she never would take it. She knew she wanted it but she had no idea how much she needed it. People suffer as a result of a sin-filled world. God doesn’t call us not to suffer. He calls us to suffer with, in and through Him because that is exactly what He did with us. It’s how we become healed. How we become complete. We carry our burdens together so that we all may get rid of them and be with God.
God is the reason why I am still alive today. He has brought me the healing I asked for a year ago. He came through for me because He has much bigger plans for me than death by razor.
You can have healing, but you have to ask for it. I hope this blog has served a purpose. I won’t stop on it now. God still has plans for it, for me and for YOU!
i’m sorry.
I would prefer for each of you to read this entire blog… I don’t care in which order you read the posts… I don’t care how difficult it is for you because it destroyed me trying to get the words out in the first place.
I am sorry that it came to this, but you need to understand, I can’t express myself the same way that other people can. I spent too many years keeping feelings inside that I can’t let them out the way other people can. When I would talk to any of you, I was pushed away and told to shut up about this ‘shameful’ subject… therefore I became ashamed of the perfectly normal emotions I was feeling… the God given emotions I had, embarrassed all of you.
I am typing this at 3 in the morning on May 5, 2012. It’s been a little over a week since I made the decision to kill myself… This post will go up exactly 25 years from the moment I was born… in 355 days… on April 26, 2013 at 10:55 am…
I really am truly sorry that it came to this… read and you will discover my sincerity.
I have written letters for some of you… for those of you I didn’t write to personally… I love you, I do, I love all of you… but to those people, it is because the reason for my decision had nothing to do with you… That doesn’t mean I don’t want you also to read this blog…
To get these letters, go to the search bar on the right and type ‘
Dear Jesse
I feel like I’ve been crying all day.
I haven’t. I did cry this morning for a couple of hours. But it really drained me. I don’t know why it upset me so much. I knew the police weren’t going to be able to do anything about the report I filed against my uncle, but I still had hope that something, anything would come of it.
I got a call this morning from the detective assigned to my case. He told me that because there is no evidence and no other victims willing to help support my claim, there is nothing they can do.
Yes, they did look into it. Yes, he did everything the law allows and I am very grateful that he gave it any attention at all. They contacted CPS to interview any children that he is around now to make sure that they are safe and they are. But I already knew that.
I waited too long and more to the point, what happened does not fall under the classification of sexual assault. It just really hurts my heart, that even after all this crap I have put myself through, trying to be heard, I still am not. I am by the people who matter, my friends and some of my family, but it still would have made me feel less victimized if my uncle had to answer for something on this side of the grave. If not for me, for his other victims. It’s wrong and this world is so messed up and Satan has too much pull in this situation.
God will make something come of this, something good, something for His glory. ‘God doesn’t waste hurt’.
I do know, with all of my heart, that peace will not come from anything that happens to my uncle here. Peace will only come from God and doing all I can to bring glory to His name. So that is what I will do. This is what I want; to do all I can to give other victims a voice and to do everything in my power to have the laws that define what sexual assault, changed.
The laws that determine sexual assault are defined by the individual states here in America. So it would be slightly easier to influence than if they were defined federally.
Be cautious if you choose to continue reading, the rest of this material may be triggering.
