Posts tagged hope

It isn’t that I didn’t want them before, I just never pictured myself having the opportunity to actually do so. 

The one reason I didn’t want kids is because you really can’t protect them from the world. But I suppose that is where faith comes in.

I do want them and I pray that I will have the opportunity to have them, because I love them already. I know their names. I know what they look like. There are so many things I want to teach them and so many places I want to take them and so many experiences I want to share with them.

They will know about Jesus from day one. We (I and my future husband) will pray with them every night without fail. We will share God’s word with them daily. 

I want to home school them. I know that sounds like I am some sort of religious fundamentalist, but I am not. Far from it in fact. I want to home school them because in all honesty I am not too fond of the current educational system in America. Too many children fall through the cracks. I feel that I would be able to give my children a better educational experience than they would be able to receive by going to a public or a private school. Kid’s learn better one on one. They have an easier time learning when the person teaching them understands how they learn (audibly, visually or tactically). They learn more from experiencing the process rather than just reading about it. 

I will take them to museums, aquariums, planetariums, zoos and plays constantly. I will take them to homeless shelters and outreach ministries to express to them the importance of service. I will teach them sign language and any other language they choose so they can communicate with anyone they come in contact with. I will teach them about all of the worlds religions so that they will not be ignorant of other peoples beliefs and will be more effective in sharing the Gospel. I will teach them about every form of art there is and give them the opportunities to express themselves through it. 

I will teach them basic survival skills in case, God forbid, there comes a time when they need to use them. Skills including agriculture, basic engineering for creating a water filter or a power source. They will learn basic and extensive first aid; everything from dealing with a broken leg to treating an animal attack.

We will take them all sorts of places all over the world. We will give them a childhood filled with wonderful memories of so many adventures.

Finally. The most important thing I want to do with my children. This is something I have always wanted to do and pray that I can. For every child I have, I am going to sponsor a child through World Vision born on or around their birthday. They will grow up with sort of a sibling on the other side of the planet. The parents and I can write back and forth about our children. When our kids start to get a bit older they can send drawings and letters of their own to their sponsored brother or sister. Maybe someday we can even go and spend Christmas with them and our children can meet face to face. It would give our kids the realization that they can reach anyone on this planet to share the Gospel. The world isn’t too big for God’s word to reach every inch of it and my kids will know that.

I do want children. 

Only now when I realize just how huge Christ’s sacrifice was for me do I understand how necessary it is for me to give up my life for Him.

Also after praying about it for the past few weeks, I have come to realize that all of the reasons I can think of for not having kids are just because I am afraid. So I won’t say that anymore. I know that they are one of God’s greatest blessings. So if I do have kids, I promise to make them His and not mine. I will make sure that they are raised in a way that they will know Jesus and they will bring glory to God.

I really do want my life to change. But I can see now that those times I have said that in the past, I have always said I want to change. I have never said I want God to change me. I see that is where I have been wrong. I have to be willing to let Him change me and I’ll do the work along the way.

So I have to be honest with Him and honest with myself about who I am and the things I have done. I have to recognize that without God, I am nothing. Only evil and hopeless.

But God is bigger than that. He can change me. It isn’t about trying to be a good person. It’s about loving people who you don’t even really like. It’s about giving up your own desires in order to do the things God is calling you to do. I want to have the strength and willingness to be able to do that.

So much has changed in the short time since I started this blog. So much in my life is different. In my heart. I feel like a new person. Of course it has only been about five months, so I do still struggle with some of the same issues, but I have not given up on them or myself. 

I made a decision that I posted on here. If you make your way back to that post on April 27, 2012, you can read what I wrote. 

I said that if things didn’t start to get better, I would take my own life on my next birthday. I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s not that I have more desire to live now necessarily. It’s because I really have seen progress. That’s all I wanted. I knew God would be able to shine a bit of light on me. Even when I didn’t really believe or want to believe in Him, I knew He would give me hope. 

The reason I am saying all of this is because I have made another decision. I have a post queued to go up on my birthday. It is basically a suicide letter. The whole blog is a suicide letter but it is more of a final post/introduction to the whole blog for my family and friends. I have no intention of stopping it from posting. Just like I refuse to go back and alter any previous posts no matter how embarrassing. That’s altering history and is a bit too Winston Smith, if you catch my drift. 

That post will go up. 

But I plan on following it with another post. A post that summarizes what God has done in my life in 2012. I plan to continue my blog even after that, however with that post I also plan on a spreading the link to my family and friends. The same way I would have if I had killed myself. They will be able to see the letters I have written to them. They will be able to see my testimony. With hope, they will be able to see a glimmer of hope for themselves as well.

I laid it all out. Told her everything. About the cutting, the drinking, the drugs and the suicidal thoughts. She was very supportive. It went much better than I expected. She didn’t freak out. She wants to help me and be here for me.

I don’t really know what else to say.

I just feel at peace right now. It’s a strange feeling. But I like it.

I hope it lasts.

People ask me all the time what my tattoo means.

A dove can represent many things, but it has three specific meanings for me, which is why I chose it for a tattoo. Why brand yourself in something that you don’t believe in?

1. Peace for the past- When I am sad or angry about something in my past, looking at my dove often make me feel at peace and I begin to accept the things that have happened.
2. Perseverance for the present- I often get very nervous when I am not sure how to handle a certain situation. Even if it is something I have done dozens of times in the past. I get very anxious when there are a lot of people around or it is really loud and I feel like I can’t breath. If I rub my tattoo on my arm, I can calm down.
3. Hope for the future- Often times, in mythology, a dove represents a new beginning. When I worry about the future, my dove reminds me that no matter what happens, I can control my future. Not in the sense that nothing bad will happen to me. Of course I don’t have control over that. I mean that no matter how other people treat me or whatever happens, I can control how I react to the situations ahead of me.

Ultimately I may not be in complete control over my life but I am in control over my spirit and my attitude towards the life given me.