Posts tagged life
Posts tagged life
A semi-colon is where a sentence should have ended, but didn’t. I am alive right now, though I fully intended to be dead.
I chose to not end my life. I am not going to delete my last post or any of my posts regarding suicide. They are very much a part of my life and I will not change it. I am not Winston Smith and this is not 1984, I cannot and will not change the past.
God has worked in me so much in the last year, I can hardly contemplate it. I find it difficult now, thinking back to that place where I was when I started this blog. It feels like that was an entirely different person. Because it was. That person and who I am now are worlds apart. I don’t want to die anymore. I don’t want to be in pain anymore either but I can be in that place without ending my life. I can see that now. God is joy and love and completion. Believing in His power and having faith in His grace brings about a byproduct of happiness. Because in Him we are who we were designed to be. Whole. Unbroken. Unburdened. Cherished. Following God does not make life easy. You can’t choose to believe if you just want to be happy. You can be, eventually, but sometimes that isn’t until people get to heaven. But it is worth it! God heals! He redeems! Life gets a bit more difficult, in fact, because you become bombarded with spiritual warfare and unlike in the past, you can’t use things like alcohol, weed or cutting to cope. Those things don’t fix your problems. Only God can. This year, He has proven that to me.
Once upon a time, there was this girl. She was not very good with her words and often had difficulties expressing herself. She was unable to share how sad and lonely she was because of this. God found that girl with little difficulty because He knew where she was all along. He lifted her up. Healed her broken heart. Surrounded her with His people and most importantly, He broke her curse of shame. He gave her the words to say and the ability to speak them. It may sound wrong or horrible that God waited to pull her from that pit. But that is not the case. If God had healed her sooner, her words would not be as sincere. God offered her healing many times before that but she never would take it. She knew she wanted it but she had no idea how much she needed it. People suffer as a result of a sin-filled world. God doesn’t call us not to suffer. He calls us to suffer with, in and through Him because that is exactly what He did with us. It’s how we become healed. How we become complete. We carry our burdens together so that we all may get rid of them and be with God.
God is the reason why I am still alive today. He has brought me the healing I asked for a year ago. He came through for me because He has much bigger plans for me than death by razor.
You can have healing, but you have to ask for it. I hope this blog has served a purpose. I won’t stop on it now. God still has plans for it, for me and for YOU!
I used to really hate mornings. Not that I’m a morning person now. That will never be the case. But I used to never have anything to look forward to during my days. Not that my life is way more exciting now. It isn’t that. I just enjoy my days more. I love being able to see God working in the world around me. Less than a year ago, I never would have thought that life could be so great.
I have amazing friends. Two great jobs. One okay job that I don’t love but don’t hate either. I have a supportive church.
I have a life, an new direction and a future. That isn’t something I thought I would ever have. I never knew this would be me. I don’t even know the person I was a year ago.
I still have insecurities. Doubts that what I have now is permanent. That it is even real at all. But I know that isn’t me saying it and I know it isn’t God either. So that tells me those voices aren’t coming from a reputable source.
With it being a new year, I may as well get back into my blog. Start posting regularly again. I have missed this outlet.
I have no interest in this blog being some huge hit or anything. No interest in being some sort of tumblr celebrity in the least.
All I really want is to be able to journal my thoughts and feelings and what is happening in my life. Just like before.
I met with a woman from my church today. She said that one of the ways that can help keep me from going back to cutting is by talking about what I am feeling all the time. She said that when I would cut, I was only keeping those emotions inside, so I need to either journal, or tell my mom or a friend about the junk so that I feel like I have no need to cut.
So that is what I am doing.
I feel stressed out. But after talking with her I feel really relieved. I am happy that I was able to lay everything out and that she understood me.
I am joyful about the people that God has put in my life.
I am nervous about the antidepressants my doctor put me on. They are the same ones my dad took and wigged out on. But if I do wig out, I will know for sure whether or not I am bipolar.
Tonight was our community group at my church. I work with the kids on Wednesday nights with another lady. My pastors youngest daughter, who is about 9 months old, fell asleep in my arms. It is an incredible feeling holding a sleeping baby. It isn’t something I can really explain. Just holding a precious, peaceful, perfect little person who depends on you to protect it, is amazing. Even without her being my own kid, I can see how amazing God is through her little life.
So I don’t really know how to explain what I’m feeling.
Tired but grateful.
Humbled maybe.
i ruin everything
Honestly… I have no idea.
I was looking through old posts on facebook and twitter and from what I’ve written in the past… whether it was heartfelt or not, because I don’t remember, it looks like at some point I did have faith in something.
February 21, 2010 - “Have faith in the things God has promised as if they have already happened.”
February 24, 2010 - “God prevails even in darkness…”
March 2, 2010 - “God really spoke to my heart and it is amazing… ‘i feel a dead heart beating now, things are different’”
I am not going to sit here and list everything that has been significant in my life thus far. Not right now anyway. This is just the stuff that for whatever reason, God may have used to me bring me to where I am.
I have this friend… had this friend…
