Posts tagged time

Its been a long process, but I am beginning to see how ive changed lately. Like I find more joy in the things I know makes God joyful and am more sad about the things I know makes him sad. I can feel my heart changing now. It feels like I haven’t just been spinning my wheels and wasting my time after all.

I have been thinking a lot about Ethan lately. Really I never stop thinking about him.

I don’t know what all I have said in the past about him, and I suppose I could go back and check but screw it. I don’t care. Here is what needs to be said.

Ethan was my best friend.

I loved him.

I wasn’t in love with him, I think. But I was heartbroken when he was gone.

One night, about three and a half years ago, on a Wednesday night, I got into this big fight with my mom. I really don’t remember what it was about but she and I were not happy with each other. I was walking home at around eleven at night and Ethan drove by and said he knew my mom and I were not getting along and asked if I wanted I could go home with him and chill for a couple of hours and then he would drive me back home.

So I went with him.

When we got to his house, we got super ‘wasted’ on energy drinks and played xbox. Because of all the drinks we ended up downing, he wasn’t feeling very well and really, neither was I. We paused the game and laid down on his bed and just started spilling it. Talking about anything and everything.

He was always really good at that. Making me feel comfortable enough to tell it all.

After a while he told me he wanted to kiss me. I reminded him that he had a girlfriend of three years. He said it didn’t change what he was feeling right then. I suggested we play ‘rock, paper, scissors’.

You see, between him and I, that’s how decisions had always been made. Whether it was deciding on a movie or a game or what was for dinner, the winner would chose.

We played. I chose rock, he chose paper. He won. It was his decision. (but honestly, I wanted it too.)

He kissed me. For a long time. Seriously. I let him get to second base.

We paused and he said that we needed to decide how far we would take it. I asked him what he had in mind. He replied that he had condoms and if I wanted we could go all the way. I told him that was maybe too far for now. If he wanted to get that far with me, he needs to come clean with his girlfriend. He needed to anyway, but really, a home run is too far when he’s taken.

We made out for a little while after that and finally when we stopped, he drove me home. We kissed one more time before I got out of his car, because he and I both knew, that was the end of our friendship. No matter what we promised each other, we knew nothing would be the same.

Thinking back on that now, after three and a half years, as fucked up as it sounds, I don’t regret what we did. I regret not having sex with him. I don’t even understand why that is.

We both wanted it. We knew we did. I feel like things would have been so much different if we had both just acted on the impulse. Negative or positive. I wish we would have finished what we started.

I am not going to sit here and list everything that has been significant in my life thus far. Not right now anyway. This is just the stuff that for whatever reason, God may have used to me bring me to where I am.

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